In my work with people wanting to engage in the recovery process as a result of struggling with sexually addictive behaviors, I have observed some common ineffective approaches.  The following are some of these approaches that can result in the recovery process being less effective than it has the potential to be.  Also, I want to encourage you to read the following approaches with a spirit of openness and self reflection rather than a spirit of shame and condemnation. 

1) Engage in recovery for others.  Recovery works best when the person struggling with sexually addictive behaviors decides to engage in the process first and foremost for his own self and well being.  Often, a person may seek out recovery as a result of their sexually addictive behaviors causing harm to a spouse or partner due to various factors including lying, deceptive behaviors, and the lack of fidelity and interest in the partner.  Thus a person may decide to get help due to the partner/spouse suggesting that they do so.  Although a hurt partner/spouse may drive the person to engage in recovery efforts initially, the recovery process is more effective if the person begins to internalize and own his/her desire to get better for himself/herself regardless of what others may or may not want them to do. 

2) Go at recovery alone.  A person struggling with sexually addictive behaviors often experiences feelings of shame and even despair when sexual behaviors continue despite a desire to want to stop.  A person may simply try to "fix" this like you might fix other unwanted bad habits.  Promises to self to stop these behaviors may be made.  Unfortunately, the addictive nature of sex can make it hard for a person to simply stop on their own volition.

3) Choose to keep your sexually addictive behaviors secretive.  In addition to trying to engage in the recovery process alone, another common ineffective approach is for a person to keep his/her behaviors hidden from others.  For those who do share with others, they may be selective about what they share and not share what they might believe is the most shameful secret.  Once a person identifies a safe, mature, and supportive person to share with, courageously confessing to the other person in complete honestly without holding back any secrets is a step towards disarming the associated shame and temptation of further sexually acting out. 

4) Just stop doing what is wrong.  At first glance, it is good for a person struggling with sexually addictive behaviors to be able to stop their addictive behaviors.  Abstinence of sexually addictive behaviors is even one of the early goals of recovery.  But simply stopping the addictive behaviors without the presence of engaging in healthy behaviors is incomplete at best.  Healthy behaviors might include growing in self awareness of things that prompt you to act out, being able to engage in your feelings, and generally learning newer and healthier patterns of living and interacting with self, God, and others.  Every so often I will encounter a person who desires to simply stop their sexually acting out behaviors, but fails to engage in any type of process that will foster growth and change in other important aspects of his/her life.

5) Become asexual.  I believe that God gave everyone the gift of sexuality which is the expression of one's gender and affirmation of one's masculinity or femininity in healthy ways.  Sometimes an ineffective approach to stopping distressing sexually addictive behaviors is to completely turn off one's sexuality.  Another expression of this is to become sexually aversive where sexuality is viewed as negative, bad, and wrong.

6) Rationalize the sexual struggle.  A person who decides to engage in recovery for sexually addictive behaviors might engage in a limited way if s/he rationalizes his/her own struggles.  Common rationalizing strategies include comparison to others ("at least what I do is not as bad as this other behavior"), justification ("I do this in secret so I'm not really hurting anyone, I'm single and have no sexual outlets, or I wouldn't need to do these things if my spouse were more open and available to me sexually"), feeling entitled ("I work hard so I deserve some kind of relief or I have to take care of myself because no one really loves me").  When a person begins to rationalize his/her sexual struggles versus fully acknowledging the consequences of his/her actions to self and others, recovery becomes incomplete and often ineffective long term.

7) Over spiritualize the recovery process.  Another mistake that I see people make in their attempts to stop their sexually addictive behaviors is to over spiritualize the recovery process.  For many, their spiritual values, beliefs, and practices play a primary role in ordering and forming who that person is.  Personally, I believe in miracles where God can instantly heal someone of sexually addictive behaviors.  For the many who don't find instant healing, praying for change and healing while continuing to experience sexually addictive behaviors becomes a frustrating experience.  The recovery process at best involves systematic and multidimensional changes in a person's life including their understanding of and relationship with God.  Addressing a person's needs holistically in recovery includes attending to not just the spiritual aspect of a person's life, but also attending to the emotional, physical, mental, sexual, and social aspects.  Growth in these different areas may include being able to express feelings more readily, realizing and changing unhealthy family dynamics, addressing past abuse issues, identifying and treating mental health issues, involvement in a loving community, and making lifestyle changes to promote balanced and healthy living.

If you find yourself or know of a friend or family member struggling with sexually addictive behaviors, please reflect on these approaches to change that you or someone you know might be stuck in.  Courageously decide to take a next step and seek out some help.  A life of freedom awaits for those who are willing to engage in the journey of recovery.

A client asked me one time what he needed to do for his marriage to succeed.  I contemplated this question and I was surprised at how quickly I responded.  "Practice courage and humility," I said. 
While there are different concepts and skills that can be learned and practiced to ensure optimal marital health, practicing courage and humility, I believe, is necessary to promote healthy marital functioning.

I've heard that marriage is not for the faint of heart and in both my professional and personal experiences, I agree with this.  You may have heard cliches like "the person that is closest to you is the one that can hurt you the most" and "love is knowing how you could really hurt the other person and choosing not to hurt him/her."  What these sayings illustrate is the fundamental concept that healthy marital and relationship functioning requires taking risks and taking risks works best when there is emotional safety.  What happens not if, but when the person that you love the most, the love of your life, hurts you intentionally or unintentionally?  Do you retreat into yourself?  Do you lash back?  Do you store up all the hurt only to let it out later?  It takes courage to forgive and approach the one you love again in vulnerability knowing that you could be hurt again.

A "successful" and healthy marriage also requires humility.  Humility grows out of a secure place of knowing that God loves you, that you will make mistakes, that others will make mistakes too, and that you are able to be gracious towards others because God is gracious towards you.  In this place of humility, you are then able to freely love and serve your spouse selflessly.  With humility, you are able to love your spouse in the "better" and especially in the "worse" times in a steadfast way.  You realize that you don't always have it together, your spouse does not have it together, but that you can own up to your faults and frailties, ask for God's mercy and forgiveness, and out of a place of love offer forgiveness and grace to your spouse. 

How are you doing practicing courage and humility in your marriage?  Spend some time pondering and praying over this and then commit to the simplicity of loving your spouse courageously and humbly.

Recently I listened to a friend, who is a missionary overseas, discuss how her past couple of years has been about deconstruction of who she thought she was.  Her identity as a person, as a Christian, and as a professional were challenged as she dealt with the loneliness of being away from her support system, grief from dealing with losses of close others including both of her parents, and other challenges that expand beyond the scope of this blog.  Some of you may relate to my missionary friend.  You may feel like your life is or has been deconstructed.  The Merriam Webster online dictionary describes deconstruction as the following: "the analytical examination of something (as a theory) often in order to reveal its inadequacy."  Deconstruction of your life occurs when you are faced with having to reexamine what you thought you knew of yourself, your beliefs, or your situation.  At best, it is an opportunity to learn and grow.  At worst, you can fall apart emotionally and struggle with your circumstances.  What can you do when you feel like you are faced with the vulnerability and hardship of being deconstructed?

1) Attend to your personal needs: caring for yourself is something that you can have positive control over.  Assess how you are doing with the following and make positive changes as needed: Are you eating healthily?  Are you sleeping and resting adequately?  Are you exercising regularly?  Are you connecting with others frequently?  Are you consistently engaging in ways to grow spiritually?  Are you making time to play and engage in enjoyable things adequately?

2) Create the space to process your circumstances: Is your schedule such that time for reflection is difficult?  Create moments in your day when you can pause, process, and pray about your circumstances.  You might purposely choose a specific time during your day where you take a short break to do this, you might get up early or stay up later to create some time, or you might use commuting time between work or errands as times of silence and solitude.  Look for space or create space as needed.

3) Process your circumstances both in solitude and in community: In addition to creating space to process your circumstances, consider creating space to process both individually and in community.  Biblically, Proverbs 15:22 says that "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed" and when "two or three gather in my name, there am I with them" (Matthew 18:20).  In contrast, we also see Jesus often withdrawing to "lonely places" and praying (Luke 5:16).  Communing with God alone and in community can help you become aware of God's presence and purpose in your time of deconstruction.

4) Be open to the pain of growth and character formation: There is much to be said about pain and its purposes that could fill up many blog posts.  The process of deconstruction can be likened to being in a crucible where fire melts away what is less important in order to refine or produce something new.  Although painful,  a new perspective, a deepened faith, a greater clarity to what is important, a renewed hope, and even a deeper joy in knowing God and His love and purpose for you sometimes results from the circumstances you are facing.

Whether you seek out ways to deconstruct yourself or you are facing this process through your circumstances, find encouragement in knowing that this process may result in a greater depth of knowing God and knowing you. 

In Jim Collins and Morten T. Hansen's book Great By Choice: Uncertainty, Chaos, and Luck- Why Some Thrive Despite Them All (2011), they described quantifying luck and determined if luck had any impact on a 10X's companies success versus a comparison company.  10X companies were identified as thriving companies that financially beat their industry index at least 10 times in contrast to comparison companies who were in similar industries and faced similar challenges as the 10X companies.  What the authors discovered in their research was that 10X companies were not generally luckier than the comparison companies and that some of the comparison companies actually had better luck than the 10X companies.  What was important is a concept that the authors described as Return on Luck.  Return on Luck is described as how a company prepares for and responds effectively to situations in order to minimize bad luck or maximize good luck.  The key concept is that 10X companies understand that luck is something that they don't have control over, but that they do have control over how they prepare for and how they respond to their unforeseen negative or positive circumstances.

We can take this business idea of Return on Luck to reflect on how this applies to your personal life.  For example, you may not have control over certain circumstances in your life whether they are good or bad, but you can choose to respond in effective ways that will minimize the possible bad outcomes or maximize the good outcomes.  For example, you may have been raised in an abusive home environment and those past things impact your present ability to have healthy relationships with others.  Unfortunately, you cannot change your circumstances, but you can choose to identify hurts and deficits in your life and work to improve these areas.  In contrast, you may have experienced a loving home environment and were given a lot of great privileges.  You can choose to steward your abilities and the advantages of your experiences to live out your life to be the best person God created you to be.  As a counselor, I have listened to many stories of people struggling with the consequences of extraordinarily painful past situations.  As a counselor, I have also heard the stories of how these same people also chose to effectively minimize the effects of bad circumstances and create choices to maximize a life of greater freedom and meaning.  Whatever past, current, or future situations you might face, take courage and choose to respond in positive and effective ways because the business of you is worth it.

Transitions can be fraught with anxiety as we experience change in what is familiar.  Transitions can include significant life events or adjustments to our daily routine that disrupts what is known and comfortable.  As I reflect on my personal life as well as look around at the lives of close friends, family members, and clients, a wide array of transitions is apparent including the following: moving, starting a new job, being unemployed, adopting, having babies, loved ones getting sick, kids going back to school, starting college, starting jobs, adjusting to a new culture, dating a new person, getting married, and losing loved ones.  This is by no means a comprehensive list and you may have your own unique transition that you are currently facing.  How we handle transitions can have a direct impact on our day to day well being.  Below are some suggestions on different ways to effectively manage your transition.   

1) Respect your feelings: How does your transition make you feel?  Do you feel positive like happy or excited, or do you feel negative like anxious, overwhelmed,  or tired?  Perhaps you feel a mix of positive and negative emotions.  Your feelings are your feelings.  Grieve if you are sad.  Rejoice if you are excited.  Allow yourself to feel as you feel without judging your feelings.

2) Maintain your spiritual connectedness: Continue maintaining your spiritual practices in order to keep yourself centered in God.  Continue praying, attending church, reading your Bible, connecting with others, and engaging in other spiritual disciplines.  Remember that you may have times and seasons in your life, especially during transitions, where the rhythm of  your spiritual disciplines may be disrupted or you may feel disconnected in the midst of all the changes.  Do your best to maintain your relationship with God through your spiritual practices and know that this season of transition is also an opportunity to experience God's steadfast love despite the changes.

3) Take care of your physical needs: Remember to do the basic things well like eat healthy and balanced meals, get enough sleep and rest, and exercise regularly.  Take care of your physical body which in turn can help you better weather the stress of a transition.

4) Be gracious and patient with yourself: In a transition, all the changes large or subtle can be emotionally disruptive.  You might even act out of character at times.  Remember to be extra gracious and patient with yourself.  Forgive yourself too for times when you may not be at your best. 

5) Maintain a sense of grounding: Do you have regular routines or traditions that you follow?  Doing your regular chores, following your regular exercise schedule, or having that Friday night pizza routine despite what is going on can help ground you in familiarity. 

5) Reframe your view of the situation: Whether your transition was by design or by circumstance, reframe how you view the transition as an opportunity to learn something about yourself.  In some of my transitions of deepest loss, I learned lessons about what things were really important to me.  I also learned to better value each opportunity knowing that we only live one time.  Ask yourself, "what is God trying to impress upon me in this transition?"

6) Practice thankfulness in the midst of your uncertainty:  You don't have to be an unrealistic rose colored glasses wearing optimist to practice thankfulness as much as you identify some aspects of your transition that you are thankful for.  Finding things to be thankful for can help balance out any negative thoughts that may unduly dominate your thoughts and emotions while recognizing that there can be both a duality of positive and challenging things in your transition.  

7) Talk to others: Share with others your thoughts and feelings.  By sharing with others, you might feel more supported, less alone, and more cared for as you allow someone else to carry the weight of some of your stress.   

8) Seek help if you get stuck: Have you tried doing many or all the things suggested above but still feel like your feelings and/or thoughts are overwhelming you?  Are you having trouble at home, school, or work because of your transition?  Feel free to seek the help of a counselor or other mental health professional who can help you better sort through what is going on and help you get to a better place where you can live more closely into a place of less distress and greater contentedness.

I remember pondering the 10 commandments a few years ago and in a joking way, I reflected on the 6th Commandment that says to "remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy" (Deuteronomy 20 verse 6, New International Version).  I joked about how the 6th commandment was the optional commandment.  If you're anything like me, your life may reflect a manic mess of busyness between your work (this includes all you stay at home parents), family, personal commitments, and other activities that fill up your calendar.  In my busyness, it can be hard to live in the present, to savor the joy of each moment, and to linger in the experience of relating to another person in a deep and soulful way.  Additionally, not doing any work related activities or things to keep busy, at times, seems foreign and even uncomfortable.  In her book  Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for Spiritual Transformation, Ruth Haley Barton says that the "point of sabbath is to honor our need for a sane rhythm of work and rest.  It is to honor the body's need for rest, the spirit's need for replenishment and the soul's need to delight itself in God for God's own sake.  It begins with a willingness to acknowledge the limits of our humanness and take steps to live more graciously within the order of things" (Barton, p. 37, 2006).  Fully describing what Sabbath is and how you can practice it can encompass an entire website let alone a blog posting.  Nonetheless, here are some tips to implement practicing the Sabbath: 

Start simple: commit to scheduling a time to experience the Sabbath.  Try a partial day to start with.  Starting a new thing is often the hardest part so be courageous and simply do it.

Create a rhythm: as you get used to the discipline of keeping the Sabbath, schedule it in for a regular day and time per week.  They rhythm of knowing that you will rest helps us to tend to our weary souls and bodies in a gentle and intentional way.

Engage others in the Sabbath: get your spouse and kids involved.  Turn off the television and other battery operated gadgets to slow down and enjoy things like taking a walk, enjoying nature, or talking.  Find some friends and practice the Sabbath with them. 

Determine things to say no to: saying no is not just about not doing things, it is about resisting activities that keep our hearts in a state of unrest.  Say no to work, to-do lists, and major decision making.  Consider saying no to buying or selling things that subtly feed our sense of consumerism. 

Determine things to say yes to: what brings you joy and rest?  These are things to say yes to including taking naps, talking a walk, riding your bicycle, eating your favorite foods, spending time with family or friends, enjoying nature, reading a book for leisure, and engaging in meaningful spiritual activities.

At best, I envision looking forwards to a rhythm of engaging in the Sabbath where I can get lost in things that are meaningful to me, enjoy my time with my family and friends, and truly feel the presence of God as I put aside my worries for a set aside length of time.  And in the joy of being lost in enjoyable activities and relationships, I believe I will remember that God is in charge and that I can find my way again. 

I believe that part of knowing yourself well and living out your calling is recognizing things that you don't do well.  Generally, I'm not the most gifted in the area of putting together furniture.  It's definitely not something I'd choose to spend my free time doing.  That being said, I bought this 97ish pound locking filing cabinet to use in my new office.  In the pictures you can see a before and after. Regardless of my skill level, putting this together was something I had to complete.  It was something I needed to do to ultimately better serve my clients.  And serving my clients was what motivated me to complete this task. 

Lessons learned: 
1) The experience of doing something is different from just reading about how to do something.  Reading the instruction manual was different from actually assembling the cabinet.
2) Passion to your calling can motivate you to activity, even activities that you are not the most skilled at.